correction of this sentence required?

Question

HI little help needed to fix this sentence. it would be great if i could get an alternate suggestion too.
thanks

here is the sentence from my cover letter

" In parallel, I was working on a part time LV based project in Design Division Siemens that is for a company Weidmulller, by the end of this project I conducted a Hands-on training sessions about LV software to engineers and technicians in Weidmuller, which makes them able to quickly develop a Data Acquisition system using this powerful tool. "

Answer 1

" In parallel, I was working on a part time LV based project in Design Division Siemens that is for a company Weidmulller, by the end of this project I conducted a Hands-on training sessions about LV software to engineers and technicians in Weidmuller, which makes them able to quickly develop a Data Acquisition system using this powerful tool. "



The word parallel is not used in this context. A correct choice would be At the same time or sumultaneously. After Siemens you would simply say for the Weidmuller Company or use what ever the company officially calls itself. That is the end of the first sentence.



Next sentence: The conclusion of this project was teaching a hands-on (not capitalized) training session (one session no matter how many times you presented it) to .... of or at not in Weidmuller to insure they are able to correctly use Design Division Siemens to develop the desired Data Acquisition System.



Keep sentences short and simple. Try to avoid multiple clauses and excessive punctuation and overly technical language and your unfamiliarity with English will not be so obvious.

Answer 2

Even though I have no idea what you're talking about, I CAN fix some grammar -



In parallel, I was working on a part time LV based project in Design Division Siemens for the Weidmuller company. By the end of this project I conducted a hands-on training session about LV software to engineers and technicians in Weidmuller, which makes them able to quickly develop a data acquisition system using this powerful tool.



"In parallel" sounds weird. Do you mean "at the same time" as something else? If so I would use "concurrently".



Also, I don't know what "Design Division Siemens" is but I think the wording needs to be changed, and the caps probably should be taken off. Maybe you mean "the design division of Siemens"?



If your native language is German, I would advise that when in doubt, do NOT capitalize a word.

Answer 3

"In parallel (that sounds awkward to me, a native speaker could tell), I had been working on a part time LV based projecy in Design Division Siemens, for the company Weidmuller. By the end of that project, I gave hands-on-training lessons (that sounds more natural I think) about LV software to engineers and technicians in Weidmuller. This powerful tool helped them in developing a Data Acquisition System quickly."



I hope you like it :)

Answer 4

Split, split it, split it. It is far too long. I trust rthat the reader will know what LV software is - I don't.know. 'Hands-on' no capital.

Answer 5

"she would be able to tell me while a applicable place will become accessible." sounds extra applicable, yet unsure if that is extra "perfect" or no longer. EDIT: or you may say "she would be able to tell me while any applicable positions grow to be accessible." (any being plural for that reason, so place could additionally be plural to make experience) EDITx2: "i'm going to be counseled while a applicable place will become accessible." or "i'm going to be counseled if any applicable positions grow to be accessible."